The Do’s and No’s for Leggings

Leggings are a very touchy subject when it comes to high fashion, and they have the potential to be very fashionable – if you know what you are doing. Let me give you some guidance for the situations that may ensue from wearing leggings.

For skirts: Leggings should only be worn with short, form-fitted skirts. By short, I mean above the top of the knee, to the mid-thigh. No mini-skirts allowed. They should never be worn with skirts that flare out, or with skirts that fall any where below the knee. If the skirt is pleated, the pleat can only be in the middle of the back of the skirt – that means no side pleats.

For pants: Leggings can be worn with form-fitted short trousers, or shorts that come from above the knee to the mid-thigh. No ‘short shorts’ are allowed. You cannot wear capris, culottes, or long pants with leggings.

As for legging color – keep it simple. Wear basic colors – nothing bright or gauche, and keep patterns simple and clean – this means no flowers, hearts, or horizontal stripes.

Leggings should not be worn with any type of dress. This is sinfully tacky.

Leggings should not be worn with blouses or shirts that are longer than average.

As for legging length, the acceptable lengths are from the waist to the foot (they can enclose the foot as you will not see them outside of the footwear – see below), and from the waist to right below the knee. When wearing leggings that come from the waist to right below the knee, you have to have great legs and good skin color and complexion that matches the leggings and outfit you are wearing.

Never wear any kind of socks with leggings. Leg warmers should not be worn with leggings either. Leg warmers should only be worn to 80′s parties.

When wearing leggings that come from the waist to the foot, you should only wear closed-toe flats. Boots (Uggs particularly) and other footwear are inadequate by all means. When wearing leggings that come from the waist to right below the knee, you cannot wear socks, but you have a few options for footwear: closed-toe flats, heels, and stilettos – do not wear anything else, and be sure to keep these three options clean and classy. I don’t want you to look like a whore.

With these simple tips, you can be very stylish and fashionable in your leggings. If you do not follow these guidelines, you will look a hot mess. That’s all.

Crocs – A Fashion Faux Pas

Crocs, originally intended as outdoor shoes because of their slip-resistant, non-marking soles, have become a bona-fide phenomenon – universally accepted as an all purpose shoe for comfort and fashion. Wrong.

Here is my opinion on Crocs: they are the most ‘fugly’ things ever created. Period. It is like they are a failed attempt of Fisher-Price trying to create protective tennis shoes. If you want shoes with holes in them for outdoor work, something has to be mentally wrong with you, and you probably just got bit by a snake (call 911 for emergencies). From the other viewpoint, if you see these ‘holes’ as letting your feet breathe, let it be known that you are a retard. If God wanted your feet to breathe, he would have given each of them a nose.

And as for the outdoor aspect, like regular shoes, I assume that you can wear them whether it’s raining or sunny. The holes just let the water seep right in with rain, giving you gangreen with mold; and sunlight gives you the polka dot tan, which we know is the hottest trend right now – not. They also claim that they are waterproof – I think not with holes in them!

But, people have to wear these ugly shoes for a reason, and maybe it’s because of their unsurpassed comfort? No, I don’t think so. They are huge, and clumpy; and they may be light-weight, but only if you like standing in a cement/styrofoam bucket apparatus. Trip and fall in these one time, and I’ll bet you will never wear them again.

And as for price, thirty dollars seems fair for two pieces of ten cent rubber, right? Why not invest your money in a television infomercial. That would be better in the long run. I know that you need Oxyclean more than you need Crocs. Truth.

So, if you wear Crocs, and you know who you are, there is a ‘waterproof’ circle in hell reserved for you. That’s all.